Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

Dean Wormer’s famous words from so long ago have never applied more aptly.

My company was shut down last week, giving me plenty of opportunity to hit the gym and really get the body back into shape from all the holiday splurging. So of course I ate more, I drank more, I stayed up later, and I slept in each morning. Gym? “F” the gym!! But alas; my choices have caught up to me. (This couldn’t have been very difficult, as I am now so out of shape that I couldn’t outrun a snail that was moving backwards across a sandy floor. Hell, I get winded by merely sitting down now.)

So some changes are in order. The “Official New Year’s Resolution” diet has been put into place! Gone will be the breakfasts of Hershey bars and butter-covered coffee cake. No more lunches of cheese-smothered nachos and Captain Crunch cereal. Dinners consisting of Bud Light and Doritos have been scrapped as well. It’ll be whole wheat, grains, salads and plain chicken from here on out!

Along with this massive reduction in caloric intake, I shall now endeavor to attend the gym multiple times a week. Mornings will consist of abdominals, free weights, and cardio. When the schedule allows, evenings will garner more cardio.

Lastly, and perhaps most drastic, I am going on the wagon again. Liquids to be consumed will now consist of water, milk, green tea, etc. No more beer. No more wine. No more margaritas. No more vodka gimlets! No more rum concoctions! No more tequila shooters, homemade Kahlua, or champagne and ice wine toasts! Nada! My liver sat me down and we had a long discussion about things, and he said that if I didn’t give him a break, then we would just have to see how well I got along without him. And as much of a pain in the ass as he is, I have found that I’m kind of dependent upon him. So I’ll do things his way…for now.

How long will this travesty of a lifestyle-change last for? Hard to say, but in years past when I’ve ventured down this path, the trip usually lasts for two or three months, so that’s about where I’m setting my goals at for this time around as well. Gotta get this fat, drunk and stupid ass back into shape!

I'll bet you a 4-day, junk-food-and-beer bender that I make it...