Gas Saving Tips!

With the cost of gas soaring to uncharted heights, I figured it was time to put my brain to good use and come up with some tips to save fuel. I strongly recommend (and stand behind) each and everyone one of these.

Tip #1
Run red lights. And stop signs. And railroad warning signals (provided the train hasn’t arrived yet). By running those, you’re not standing still with your engine running. See? Saving gas! (Not to mention the added benefit of reducing wear on your brakes. More savings!)

Tip #2
Tailgate. Get just as close as you can to the guy in front of you. Ever watched NASCAR? It creates a slipstream effect, cutting your wind resistance. Less wind resistance = less work your engine does. Less engine work = less fuel used. So get right up on that bumper in front of you!

Tip #3
Speed like hell. The faster you drive, the sooner you get to your destination. And the sooner you get to your destination, the sooner you turn your vehicle off. And a vehicle that isn’t running, isn’t using any fuel. What’s that? It costs more to get there faster? Hello?!? The car isn’t running any more! Savings!

Tip #4
Get all the blue-hairs off of the roadways. They drive too slowly (see tip # 3, above). Banish ‘em all to Florida (that’s God’s waiting room anyways).

Tip #5
Warm your engine up for at least an hour in the morning. A warm engine is a happy engine. And a happy engine requires less fuel. (It’s true, I read it somewhere.)

Tip # 6
Peel out. Every time. This will wear your tires down until they’re flat. And everyone knows that flat surfaces put less stress on your engine than rough surfaces do. Yep; get rid of those annoying things called ‘treads’.

Tip #7
Shift up as fast as possible. In fact, you should be in top gear by the time you’ve reached 15mph. Think about it; the lower your engine’s RPM’s, the less gas you’re using.

Tip #8
NEVER car pool. Hello? If you pulled out of your driveway and went straight to work, just think of all the gas you’d save, rather than driving all over the place to pick up a couple of slobs you work with. You don’t even like them, anyways, why the hell do you want to share a ride with them? Freeloading bums. Let them take their own cars.

Tip #9
If you’ve got more than 4 cylinders in your vehicle, then you’re a greedy bastard. Send me your address and I’ll come rip those extra ones out for you, no charge. (And when your vehicle doesn’t run after that, just think of how much gas you’ll be saving then!)

Tip #10
Show up late for work. Hey, rush hour traffic is the number one enemy of Tip #3 (above). Avoid it at all costs. And if you lose your job? Well then, that’s a bunch of driving you don’t have to do anymore, isn’t it!

Tip #11
Turn your AC off, you wanker. And don’t even think about opening your windows - do you realize how much wind drag that creates? Just take a chain saw and cut the roof off of your vehicle. Now you’ve got AC, 24/7. And, a sleeker vehicle! Sleeker = smaller wind footprint. Oh, we’re saving some money now!

And there you have them; my handy dandy, helpful hints for saving fuel. If everyone incorporated these tips into their daily lives…well…we’d be some fu*ked, wouldn’t we?

Ride Hard, Take Chances. And get the hell off of my bumper!