There I was, sitting peacefully in my living room, noshing some snacks and watching football, when I heard a rapping on my porch door. Glancing carefully out the window, I see a strange vehicle in my driveway…and a creature that could only be an alien!
Quick! I grab my camera and go running outside. Maybe I can get some pics before it takes off again - the National Enquirer is sure to slip me stacks of greenbacks for proof of alien existence!
Bursting through the door, I’m confronted by the creature! It swiftly extends an arm in my direction – Crap, it’s attacking! So much for the ‘We come in peace’ mantra!
Not waiting to give it a chance to fire upon me, I executed a perfect tuck and roll, hoping to come up behind its machine, which would offer me some level of protection against whatever weaponry it may be employing.
Ok, so perhaps ‘perfect’ is not the appropriate term I should use to describe my tuck and roll maneuver. I succeeded in ducking beneath its arm, but the ‘roll’ part was more of a ‘flop’ as I came to rest squarely upon my back. None the less, my move apparently caught the creature off guard, as it merely turned to look at me, letting its arm drop back to it’s side. Sweet - I’d still achieved some level of success; I hadn’t yet been laser-beamed into non-existence!
Realizing that my advantage would be brief at best, I fired up my camera, twisted serpent-like into a crouching position (wait – serpents don’t crouch…) and readied myself for my first picture.
Observing some kind of informational plate affixed to the back of the strange machine, I snapped a quick shot. Maybe it would help scientists decipher where this thing had come from?
Quick! I grab my camera and go running outside. Maybe I can get some pics before it takes off again - the National Enquirer is sure to slip me stacks of greenbacks for proof of alien existence!
Bursting through the door, I’m confronted by the creature! It swiftly extends an arm in my direction – Crap, it’s attacking! So much for the ‘We come in peace’ mantra!
Not waiting to give it a chance to fire upon me, I executed a perfect tuck and roll, hoping to come up behind its machine, which would offer me some level of protection against whatever weaponry it may be employing.
Ok, so perhaps ‘perfect’ is not the appropriate term I should use to describe my tuck and roll maneuver. I succeeded in ducking beneath its arm, but the ‘roll’ part was more of a ‘flop’ as I came to rest squarely upon my back. None the less, my move apparently caught the creature off guard, as it merely turned to look at me, letting its arm drop back to it’s side. Sweet - I’d still achieved some level of success; I hadn’t yet been laser-beamed into non-existence!
Realizing that my advantage would be brief at best, I fired up my camera, twisted serpent-like into a crouching position (wait – serpents don’t crouch…) and readied myself for my first picture.
Observing some kind of informational plate affixed to the back of the strange machine, I snapped a quick shot. Maybe it would help scientists decipher where this thing had come from?
At this point, the creature began to advance on me, raising it’s helmet shield. Fearing a new form of attack (Poison gas? Sonic beam?) I defensively raised my camera and snapped another pic, hoping to confuse the creature with the flash.
It must have worked, because the creature stopped in it’s tracks once again – but then it started shaking it’s head at me. The flash must have blinded it! Seeing my chance to escape, I feigned one way and then cut back the other, safely making it by the creature and through the still-open porch door behind it. Once past that doorway, I whirled, slammed the door shut behind me, ran back inside and grabbed for my phone.
As I was dialing 911, I chanced a peek outside. The vehicle was still there, but the creature was no where to be seen. Perhaps I scared it off? My dazzling display of diving, ducking, and weaving must have made it realize that we humans are more trouble than they think. It probably beamed itself back to it’s mothership, forgoing it’s odd looking travel craft.
Dammit! My stupid phone won’t pick up a signal – I hate my phone!!! Who can I tell about this? I have to find someone to relay this to, in case the aliens come back for me…
As luck would have it, my buddy Michigan Paul happened to come walking into my house right at this time! “PAUL!”, I shouted, “YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED!!”
He just looked at me, shook his head and grabbed a beer out of the fridge. Popping the top, he sat down across from me and fixed me with a stare. The look in his eyes…I’ve seen it before, in the eyes of others when they look at me.
I think its called pity.
Ride Hard, Take Chances
1 comment:
I see how this works...payback
You are not going to post anymore so my goofy pic will stay on your front page for a while...
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