Capital None

“What’s in YOUR wallet?” the humorous barbarian asks me from the TV. Well I’ll tell ya what’s NOT in my wallet any longer; a lousy piece of plastic with Capital One’s logo on it.

But first; a bit of history, shall we? Check out my post from August 4th…2008. Go on, the link is right there on the right. Just click on the little grey arrow next to 2008 to expand it, then click on the little grey arrow next to August, and then click on "Customer Service at it's...Finest". (Yes, 2008! I should have taken the warning signs then, and run!)

Anyway, the latest saga involves my May and June statements from Capital One. Each of them claimed that my prior payment had been late, and that I therefore owed them late fees and interest. (I mail my payments 7+ days in advance, just to try and avoid this kind of nonsense.) At any rate, both times I called up customer service and had the late fees and interested removed.

In an attempt to avoid this BS from happening again, I mailed my most recent payment check 12 days before the due date! TWELVE DAYS! So imagine my surprise when I opened my July statement just now and found Capital One claiming that I never sent last month’s payment at all! So now there’s late fees, penalty, AND a black smudge on my credit report! Assholes!

I called my bank, confirmed that the check has not been cashed (I’m sure it’s sitting in someone’s drawer out at Capital One) and placed a stop payment on it (which I have to now go to the bank this afternoon and sign some paperwork on that). I then called Capital One, got transferred to a supervisor and cancelled my account. She had the courtesy to tell me that I had 7,000 ‘bonus points’ available to redeem. Excellent, what will that get me? A $25 check. Frikkin’ whoopee. I asked if this could be applied against their BS penalties and fees and she said yes. So I was transferred to the “promotional” department to take care of that. Only to then be told that I cannot redeem my points because my account is ‘red-flagged’. When I asked about that, they said it’s because I missed my last payment. (At this point, I’m beginning to get dizzy from running in so many circles.) So I transfer back to the supervisor and said forget the bonus points, I just want this account ended so that I can close the horrible chapter of my life that included Capital One, and begin my wonderful post-Capital One existence.

I got my payoff amount and will be going to the post office at lunch, where I will send this payment by Certified Mail/Return Receipt. If those F*ckers at Capital One try claiming that my payment didn’t get there in time, I’ll shove the proof so far up their ass that I’ll be able to stick my fingers through their eye sockets and wave their eyeballs around like lobster stalks.

If any of you have a Capital One card, good luck and pay close attention to your statements. To those that do not have Capital One cards; congratulations! Stay as far away from these thieves as you possibly can!!